So remember back a couple posts ago when I was all glowing and annoying about how I was disembarking the struggle bus and how great my life was going to be?
I kind of wanted to slap myself too. It’s okay.
Anyhoo, as with most things in the universe, shit hasn’t gone down exactly as planned.
I HAD gotten off of the bus. I walked for a few blocks, admiring the scenery of what a peaceful and grounded life looked like.
And then I got a dog.
And then I started a new job.
And then my dog died.
So, I sort of hopped back on the bus and have been riding around kind of aimlessly, passing the same stuff over and over again, feeling anxious and bored.
That’s how my mind works. I hash stuff out over and over again and it makes me utterly neurotic, then I get bored with it. Sometimes in the boredom I am able to drop it and move on. Other times I pick it back up, rinse, and repeat.
Our family is still grieving for our little dog who we only had for two weeks before she escaped and got fatally hit by a car. It happened on my third day of work. So, not only did I lose my animal, and have to help my children with their intense feelings about it, I was also the flake who just started a new job and had to leave early because she lost her pet and was freaking out and hysterical about it.
I’d spent a lot of time, energy, and money on little Dog, helping her deal with separation anxiety and getting her settled in our home. I’d been home for a week in between jobs and bonded with her. She reminded me so much of my dog I’d had for 16 years. They had a similar and soulful personality. The love was immediate.
It initially struck me as hugely unfair that I’d lost Doggy so soon after finding her. I could not understand why the universe would work in such a manner. I grappled with this information as I longed to pet Doggy’s silky ears. She had this little speck of white on the back of her neck that looked like a star. It seemed impossible I’d never see it again. It still doesn’t make sense to me.
It had taken me a long time to get another pet. And had taken a long time for my family to feel we were all in a place where we could have a dog.
Could it be Doggy came to remind me of how special it is to live with a canine companion? Could it be she was not meant to be my actual dog, but merely a messenger?
While I don’t necessarily believe in the typical notion of a “god” I do believe stuff happens for a reason.
Maybe it doesn’t.
Maybe shitty stuff just happens and there is no rhyme or reason. I can understand how it would be much more comforting to imagine a divine being pulling strings and making things happen because there is a grand plan.
I do want to get another dog. This much I know.
It has been hard to watch my kids grieve. Jack has been pretty strong and surprisingly supportive of his younger sister. He has told Emily there are four ways she can still see Doggy; in her heart, in her memory, in pictures and in dreams. He has also shared with Emily that Doggy is now an angel. Em was profoundly comforted by the thought that Doggy could potentially be right next to her side at that very moment!
If there is a silver lining in all of this, it is my pride at how my children have processed it. They are really great kids. It has taken me aback. I wasn’t expecting them to turn to one another quite as much as they have, but in the long run I think they have been more of a comfort to each other than my husband and I have been to them.
And this, in turn, has comforted me.
So, this week I will start my second week of working at the new gig. I’m excited to go back and try it again. I’m excited to meet with the clients again and start forming relationships with new people. I’m hoping to get to know my coworkers and connect with them as well. And I’m eager for the new clinical skills I need to develop and perfect.
I’ve been struggling with how much I miss my old work buddies. I don’t miss my old work so much, but I surely miss a few of the friends I made there and got really close to over the years. It was especially hard to go through the loss of Doggy last week in a new place with people who didn’t really know me or my family. My new supervisor was amazing and all, but still it felt really lonely.
It has been a mix of tears and fears and frustration and nerves.
A big ball of struggle I’m lugging around and trying to embrace even as it squirms in my arms.
Maybe I’ll let it off at the next stop.
And maybe I’ll get off at the stop after that because this bus is kind of stinky and stale and I’m ready for some deep gulps of fresh air.