Tag Archives: relationship with my daughter

My Boobs Are Sad

Standard

A while back, I mused about what would become of my breasts  when I was done nursing my youngest of my two children, Emily.

Emily weaned completely about six months ago, shortly after her fourth birthday.

I had written so many posts about how we were “almost there” with our weaning, that I haven’t really bothered to write anything about the fact that we actually did “get there.”

Weaning had been a very long process for us that took close to two years, as Emily slowed her nursing sessions to twice per day, and then only to once per day either in the morning or before bed.

I had wanted weaning to be a gradual and mutual decision.  I didn’t want it to be traumatic for either of us.  The beginning of my nursing relationship with Emily had been very traumatic as I suffered extreme nipple damage and had to really fight to keep my supply and the nursing relationship between my baby and myself.

Initially, I felt robbed of the “perfect” nursing experience with my daughter.  I’d had tons of struggles and antenatal depression with my first child, and had ended up needing to supplement with formula with him.

Although I am beyond thankful that all was well that ended well with my son, when I was pregnant with Em, I was really committed to the idea of exclusively nursing.  I felt certain that I had been better educated on breastfeeding due to the trial and error with my son, and that everything would go off without a hitch.

My confidence was shattered shortly after Emily’s birth when my nipples became mangled as a result of her tongue tie.  For 11 weeks, I battled a nipple wound that would not heal.  Finally we got things sorted out, but my supply never got back to what it needed to be to be able to pump milk for her to have upon my return to my job at 12 weeks after her birth.

I took a huge amount of comfort in the fact that she continued to nurse whenever she was with me, and that she almost always refused the bottle at daycare and then would reverse cycle all night with me.  Sure I was tired, but I was thrilled that we were not having to supplement with very much formula, and that Emily was such a champion nurser.

Eventually, I accepted that while our relationship was not what I could label “perfect” from the get go, it ended up being pretty amazing and sweet.

And it endured much longer than I thought it would.

My son had weaned completely at 23 months.  Like I said, we’d had to supplement him with formula, but he continued to nurse first thing in the morning with me until one morning he woke up, asked for milk in a cup and that was that.

I don’t remember having any truly intense feelings related to this weaning.  Sure it was bittersweet, but it was not devastating in any way.  And as a first-time mom, I was thrilled I’d been able to milk it out to nearly two years (pun intended!).

I had figured Em would wean around the same time.  But she didn’t.  She turned two and then three and still loved her milky cuddles with mama.  Around the time she turned three, we started talking about what it would be like for her to not nurse anymore.  Long story longer, she went another whole year and was still occasionally nursing when she turned four.

Then she stopped.

It was so gradual.  It was almost unnoticeable.

To be honest with you, I don’t really think about it all that often.

Until I do think about it and then it is difficult to stop thinking about it.

A client came to my office with her toddler a while back.  The child grew fussy, and she surprised me by offering him her breast, which he eagerly took and settled right down.  It was absolutely the most natural and graceful thing to watch.  I told her how thrilled I was that she was nursing her toddler, but the image stayed with me throughout the day and into the night along with a feeling of deep sorrow.

It had been the first time I’d seen a mom nursing since I weaned Emily.

And this is going to sound crazy, but I felt an actual physical sensation in my breasts like I used to feel when my milk let down.  But it was different.  It was like the shadow of that let down sensation, and I felt bereft.  It was like my boobs actually felt sad.

When you are bonding and nursing with a new baby, your body creates oxytocin which is the chemical that signals the need to produce milk.  It also creates a drowsy, sweet, loving feeling between you and your baby, which for me also extended to the world at large.

So, when I saw this mom nursing, it was like I got a surge of oxytocin but there was no milk and no baby to nurse.  I went home and felt the need to give Emily and Jack extra cuddles.

I think about how I am no longer nursing at other weird times too.  Like when I went to the pharmacy and was browsing the antacids and realized that I could take alka-seltzer again.  It used to be my go-to remedy before pregnancy and nursing, but it has aspirin in it so you can’t use it during the aforementioned times.  So I purchased it with a mix of hey-this-is-awesome and hey-this-is-super-sad.

I’m bummed about weaning in a lot of ways.  It makes me sad to not have that connection with another human any longer.  It is a reminder that children grow so quickly and things change faster than you can ever imagine.  I also blame the ten pound weight gain on weaning, as well as some of my hormonal shifts and mood swings. . . although I realize those should be well regulated by now.

There is no going backwards in life.

And as I continue marching forward, I am having trouble trying to figure out what to do with these floppy appendages that seem to be a permanent DDD cup size now and give me back and neck pain.  They are like an accessory that has gone out of style, only I can’t pack them away into the back of my closet or toss them in the junk drawer.

Once upon a time, they were pert and pretty.  They attracted people and were objects of potential sexual pleasure.  Then I had kids and they became vehicles of nurturance and nutrition.

About a week after I had Jack, I developed a urinary tract infection and went to a doctor.  She was excited to hear that I was breastfeeding and shared that she had nursed her kids and it had been a great experience for her.

“But your breasts are ruined for sex forever,” She had mused.  “They become like these tube socks with golf balls at the end.”

Well. . .

I guess mine are more like balloons with permanently erect, frozen peas at the end, so her very lucid description was a bit off there.  But she was right about one thing–  my boobs are of no use for my sex life anymore.  There is a cognitive dissonance that these soft things that Emily still likes to pat and rub her face on could be used for anything other than bringing comfort to my babies.

So, I guess it is a blessing my husband is an ass man.  Anyway, I digress. . .

Six months after weaning Emily, and I am still wondering what will become of my breasts now that I am done nursing.  I’m trying to figure out how I feel about them, and what to do about the sense of sadness and loss.

At the end of the day I am very proud and content with the nursing relationships I had with both Emily and Jack.  They were conflicted and diverse, but they were filled with love. Even as my boobs feel sad that it isn’t something I’ll ever share again with another human, I am grateful for the experiences I did have breastfeeding.

What was your weaning experience like?  Did you experience any hormonal shifts or depression with weaning?  Talk to me in the comments below.  I love to hear from you!  And please feel free to share my post on social media, or with other nursing/weaning moms in your life.  xoxo and momaste!  

Can We Please Talk About What a Royal Mind F*&K Modern Motherhood Is?

Standard

  
Both my daughter’s daycare and my son’s elementary school send updates through email during the day.  It is a nice way of knowing what is going on with them while I’m at work.

I’ve spoken before about what an existential leap it is to drop my kids off in places and then drive off to another place and be away from them for about nine hours a day.

Actually, if I think about it too hard, the above sentence really screws with my brain.

So it doesn’t take much to kind of push the scale in favor of full blown anxiety attack when my kids are concerned.

Imagine my shock when I got the following email on my lunch break at work:

“Dear Parent:  Please be advised that our school was in Lock Down Mode, as ordered by the local police due to an incident in the area.  We were Lock Down for 30 minutes.  The police assured us that the incident was resolved and we are back to normal.”

The email was time stamped about 90 minutes earlier than when I read it.  Of course the last line indicated that everything was cool as Ice, Ice, Baby.  But the first line of the email had already sent my adrenaline into full-blown-flood-of-piping-hot-lava-panic-mode.

As I tail spun through the office, alerting all my coworkers that I was in the midst of a neurotic episode (and probably alerting some of the incoming clients that maybe they wanted to rethink their choice of counseling agency because the staff here was cray-zee), my eyes filled with tears. 

I longed to run out of the building and race to my baby boy, to hug him and validate that my worst fears had not come to pass.

Two of my coworkers hopped on the internet to see if they could find anything about what happened in my town.  There was nothing on the news.  I finally called the school (yeah, I get it; that should have been my first move, but when panic is in full swing, you don’t always make the logical choice first).  The school secretary assured me that all was well.

I sat back in my office chair and did some deep breathing, trying to calm my racing heart and mind.  As I did so, I checked my email again.

Up popped an update from my daughter’s preschool.  It let me know that they were petting the chicks that hatched in their class’ incubator last week and that they were making nests in art.

And that, my dear friends, is motherhood:  fluffy chicks and bomb threats.

It is a royal mind fuck, the likes of which I never could have predicted.

As a mom, you lose the right to wake up and know what to expect with your day.  You can either get the downy, yellow, baby critters, or you can get the sheer terror of knowing everything you treasure and hold sacred can be squashed like a bug at a moment’s notice.

Sometimes you get both at once, and hardly know where to look or focus because it is all just so confusing and cute and horrifying and your heart is bursting.

As a working mom, sometimes I send my children off to school sick or sad.  Sometimes I hug them with an annoyed huff because we have left the house late, or because they have forgotten something “important”.

Sometimes I leave them crying or cross with me.  Sometimes I kiss them goodbye and give them nary a thought until I join them at home, many hours later, for the chaos that is dinner/homework/bath/tv/stories/bedtime.

And then there are days like this where I ache every second to be together with my babies again, so I can wrap my arms around them, nuzzle their fuzzy heads, and thank the stars we have all made it back to one another safe and sound.

Hawk and Daughter

Standard

IMG_7500

Look, Mama, she said,
I think I see a hawk.
And just like that, the ducks,
who had been so happily nibbling
under our bird feeders,
disappeared to parts unknown.
The yard became quiet,
almost ominous,
as squirrels took to their dens.
Sparrows fled and even
bossy jays could not be found.

Her limbs have lengthened,
and I’m surprised when I look at her
and see her creamy flesh
stretched out over her frame, and hear
her voice sing my name, and I wish
this moment were a marble I could
pick up with irritation from the carpet,
and slip into my pocket.

Pwivacy– Or the Lack Thereof: My Ubiquitous Mommy-Blog Toilet Post

Standard

  
In the three-and-a-half years I have been blogging, I’ve managed to somewhat gracefully avoid what I like to call “the Mommy-Blog Toilet Post.”

You know the one, right?

Where the mom writes about how difficult life is, and that there is no longer any privacy and we all poop in front of an audience, or are being an audience for a tiny pooper?

Yeah.  You know the one.

I guess it is something of a right of passage.  A passage through which I am going to pass today (no pun intended).  Here it goes:

So I was sitting on the toilet one morning last week, and my daughter barged, stark-naked, into the bathroom.

She’s four, and has not yet mastered the fine art of knocking, or allowing people their privacy, or as she would say “pwivacy.”

“Hey, Emily!” I bellowed.  “Can I have a little privacy here?”

She stood there, considering my request.

She then began to shake her tiny tush at me like an agitated squirrel.

“I’ve got a yittle pwivacy for you!” She hollered as she giggled and wiggled her actual little privacy area at me.  Let the record reflect I laughed and she walked away shaking her booty and did not shut the door.

So there you have it folks.  My potty post.

It is nice to know I am in such good company.

Little Talks– Angels at Our Bedtime

Standard

  
At least once a day, Emily tells me she misses Doggy.

The other night she told me as she was nuzzling in my shoulder, preparing for sleep.

“I miss Doggy,” she whimpered.  Then she mimed petting the air in the space between us.  “But she’s right here.”

We are not a religious family.  We do not talk about or believe in God in the “traditional” sense.  But somehow, Jack figured out it would comfort Emily if he told her that Doggy was an angel, and was beside her at any time.

Emily snuggled back down into my arms.  “We can’t see her, though,” she said mournfully.

“No, Honey,” I acknowledged.  “But it’s kind of like love.  We can’t see love, but we know it is there.  Just like with Doggy.  Love doesn’t go away.”

“Do you know I can pray while I’m sleeping?”  Emily asked.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yes.  And tonight I’m gonna’ pray for our dog.  For Doggy.”  She stroked the air by my hip where she imagined Doggy to be.

“That’s nice, Honey,” I whispered into the dark.  “That’s a nice thing to do.”

I didn’t know if I should feel sad about this immense grief my daughter shares with me over losing out dog, or if I should feel proud she was handling it with such grace and dignity.

Emily fell asleep with her head on my shoulder moments later.

I laid there, anchored by the weight of her on me.  I had a list of stuff to do before putting myself to bed, but I stayed for a few minutes, listening to her breath, feeling her hard, solid skull pressing against my shoulder.

And in that moment, Doggy was there, wiggling in and sighing between us, filling us with love.

The Day the Dog Died

Standard

  
The day the dog died started like any other.

I’d only had my little beagle mix for two weeks, but my days had already taken on the shape of walking, feeding, petting, scolding, and picking up after her.

The kids adored her.

The night before she died, Emily was shrieking with glee watching the pup dance and bounce around the living room, full of friskiness.

You don’t wake up in the morning thinking, oh, this will be the day the dog bolts away from me and I never see her again.

It isn’t in your agenda that you’ll get a call from a neighbor, in response to your desperately scrawled “MISSING” flyer, letting you know your small dog was hit by a car, her car, and that she died instantly.

There are not really ways your brain can grasp that she was hit right around the corner from where you so desperately searched and called out until your voice shook with sobs.

And there isn’t really any good way to teach your brain to be content with the image of your dog flying away from you like a flash of lightening, as your final memory of her.

I’d chuckled when I read that beagles rated five out of five stars for “Wanderlust”.  They like to sniff.  They are stubborn.  When they get an idea in their noses, they just have to follow it.  I’d never let the kids hold onto her leash outside, because I knew she was high risk for taking off.

I actually got a kick out of her stubborn streak because she was so willful, but she was so easy to just pick up and redirect.

She was just a little dog.

Was.

Past tense.

I’d searched the neighborhood with my neighbor for an hour, trying to locate her.  Then I called the cops and put up flyers.  I was consoled by friends that “dogs run away all the time!”  “they always come home,” and “it’ll be fine.”

I went off to work figuring the cops or pound would call me and tell me they’d found the naughty girl and I would collect her and chide her.  I planned to hug her and pat her and tell her what a wicked little girl she was…

My neighbor and some utility people who were working right there when she was hit, collected her body, wrapped it and put it in a bin.  My neighbor put the bin in her yard and let me know I could come and get it.

A school bus driver stopped and stood vigil over my dog with neighbors I didn’t know.  These strangers stood and prayed and cried over my dog.  Then my neighbor carried the bin back to our street and put it on the side of her house.

I drove home from work.  It felt I’d never stop crying.  My neighbor had left to pick up her kids at school, so I found the bin in the side of her yard.  I started to uncover the lifeless little body of my dog, but the rags in which she was wrapped were bloody and I could smell her blood.

So I left her be.

I put the bin in my trunk and drove her to the vet.  The wonderful vet who had been helping us work through separation anxiety and all those other quirks of little rescue dogs.  She held me as I sobbed and a vet tech went out to get her body.

They took the bin with her into the back and the vet told me she would look at her to see if I could go back and say goodbye.

She came back a little later and told me it would not be good for me to see her like that.

But she told me it was probably very fast.

She told me that my dog was curled in a peaceful position.

Peaceful.

No, I did not want the bin back.

Another tech let me know she could cash me out when I was ready.  They would send her body to be cremated.  They would wash off her little, pink collar and put it aside for me to come back and get.

Five years ago, I lost my dog who had been by my side for 16 years.  It was agonizing.  But it was not sudden and shocking.  It was humane and peaceful.  As much as it broke my heart, it was a good death.  I was able to hold her and tell her what a great friend she’d been, and she breathed her last in my arms.  I grieved for months after losing her.

I’d only known this girl for a couple weeks.

But it feels like losing my friend of 16 years all over again.

It is raw and tragic and just horrible.

Present tense.

I never thought I would love another dog.  I never thought I could go through the terror of losing and grieving for an animal.

Loving an animal is a voluntary grief we take on.  It is a grief to which we willingly open our hearts and souls, knowing we will love a being who will predecease us.

This dog weaseled her way into my heart.

When you lose an animal companion, the house is terribly empty.  It is quiet and still in a way that is haunting.

The kids sensed it the second they entered the house after their days.  We sat with them on the couch and told them about the dog.

My eight year old Jack’s eyes got very wide.  His face flushed and paled.  He did not cry, but he sank against me and stayed there.  He asked what happened to her body.  I let him know I’d brought her to the vet and the vet would keep her.

I used very simple, almost blunt words.

Mama was out walking our doggy.  You know how tricky she was and how careful we were with her?  Well, she bolted and Mama lost her grip on the leash.  Mama could not catch her.  I tried and tried.  She ran into the street and she was hit by a car.  Her body was too hurt to keep living.  She died.

Emily’s face crumpled immediately into a mask of pain and despair the likes of which I’ve never seen on either of my children.  I watched as she tried to grapple with the information.

“But where is she?”

“Mama brought her body to the vet.”

“Nooooooo,” she wailed.  “I want her!  I want to pet her.  I want our dog.”

“I know honey.  Me too.  It’s very sad.  But we have each other and Mama and Daddy will take care of you and Jack.  We will all stick together and help each other.”

The kids hugged each other and Emily cried in Jack’s arms.  It was a moment of beautiful and mournful sibling truce in honor of their pet.

A while later she went upstairs to my bedroom.  I knew she was looking for the dog.  I heard a keening cry come and ran up the stairs to find my four-year-old girl crumpled in a ball on the floor, having not found the dog but found one of her squeaky toys.

“She can heal?”  Emily asked.  “Will she return?”

“No, honey.  No.  She won’t ever be coming back.”  I did not know if I should tell her that maybe someday we could get a new dog.  I didn’t know what to do other than hug her.

She said she wanted some noodles with butter.  So we went down to do that.

“I’ll never feel happy now,” she sobbed as I cooked.

“Of course you will, sweetheart,” I said.  I wept with her, petting her head and rubbing her back.  “Our hearts are hurting right now, but we will feel better.  I promise.”

“My heart will never be better.  My heart was in Doggy and now it is broken and I’ll never have my heart again.”

I held her and hugged her and said all the things moms say when their children are devastated.  I walked back and forth between her and Jack, hugging and stroking and trying to make sense of not just my own shock and loss, but that of my small children.

The whole night was very painful.  The delicate skin under my eyes puffed out like someone punched me.  My skin burned from the salt of my tears.

Jack could see I was sad.  He came to me in the kitchen and put his arms around me.  His head comes up to my breast now.

“I love you,” he said, looking up earnestly into my face.  “Doggy will always be in our hearts and in our heads.  You are the best mom in the world.  I know sometimes you lose your cool and yell.  And sometimes I lose my cool and call you stupid.  I don’t mean those things.  You’re the best mom in the world.  And if Doggy hadn’t gotten away, she would have lived with us as long as dogs live because you are the best mom in the world.”

He finished his little speech with an extra tight hug.

I didn’t feel deserving of it.

I’d been terrified the kids would blame me.

Because I blamed myself.

I felt guilty as all hell; the image of little Dog darting away from me with her leash clattering after her, scaring her, spurring her on until she disappeared.  It took but seconds.

How could I have let her go?

I’d been adamant about having this dog.  My husband didn’t want a dog at all, but I pushed him into it.  I had to have her.

And I loved her.

For two weeks.

And now she’s dead.

Her ears were so silky.  Her paws were so tiny and smelled like popcorn.  She loved to lick and sniff.  When it snowed, she put her nose right down and tunneled into the snow, sniffing away.  She made us laugh.  She was lazy at night and curled up on the couch or bed with me.  Her belly was soft and a bit fuzzy where it had been shaved when she got spayed.

I loved her doggy smell.

I don’t get it right now.  There is no perspective or framework for me to understand this loss.  And dealing with my children’s confusion and grief is so immediate and important.

We will get through it.  I keep telling myself this.  We are strong and we are a close family.  We will help each other and our hearts will heal.  These are my mantras.

So that’s the story of the day the dog died.

It was a day that started like any other and ended like no other.

I’m thinking we will probably be reading and re-reading and telling and re-telling this story until it feels okay or gets boring.

I’m looking forward to being able to finish the last chapter, for the last time, so I can close the book, and go on to something new.