This morning I had to go into a medical imaging clinic to get an abdominal ultrasound.
I wrote a couple weeks ago about taking an afternoon off to go to my doctor because of a piercing pain in my right side. She didn’t think it was anything serious, but ordered the ultrasound just to be safe.
So, this morning I went. I had to fast after midnight, so I didn’t get to drink my coffee this morning. I was acutely aware of my pissy-coffe-less mood, but kept reminding myself that it was only temporary and I would be able to hit the Dunkin drive through as soon as I got done with the ultrasound.
I pulled into the parking lot and became aware of another sensation as well. Anxiety.
All sorts of thoughts bubbled up in me like blisters on a burn.
What if I’m not okay? What if it is something really bad? What if this moment sitting here in my car in this parking lot is the last moment of my ignorance of some terrible tumor or fatal condition. How would I ever say goodbye to my kids. How would I explain my hair loss? How would I manage to make a million video tapes explaining all of life’s little moments to them?
Labeling this brand of thinking my “dread thoughts” helps a bit to bring me back down to earth. Because I think this way a lot. I have an active imagination that swings over into the realm of morbid when I’m in the bad place with my anxiety.
It is kind of embarrassing and self indulgent. Some people actually have these issues going on in their lives and I don’t know for a second how they cope, because I can’t even imagine how I would cope.
Maybe I watch way too much medical drama on TV.
I was in and out of the ultrasound center in a half hour. The tech couldn’t say for sure, but she said everything looked okay. The radiologist will look at the images, write a report, and fax it over to my doctor.
She said my gall bladder looked “nice and clean.”
I’m not sure what that means, but I’m thankful to be healthy.
I’m also thankful for the two coffees I ordered on my way in to work.
What are you thankful for today? Do you ever have dread thoughts? About what?