It has been four whole days since I posted here, and it seems like an eternity. But I also haven’t really wanted to post anything, so it’s also been a kind of sweet respite. What have you all been up to? Do you find it challenging to blog when there is tons of family around and the schedule is in disarray and the kids are home from school and your messy house is sucking your last nerve in the direction of a tantrum?
We did the whole Xmas thang and it was pretty relaxing overall. Lots of family time (my husband and I both have the divorced/blended fam thing going on…), lots of presents (even though we said we were going to go really small this year because the finances are slight. . . ), and lots of QT with the little ones.
I got some very thoughtful and fun gifts, including a new winter coat and a tablet from my husband. I wasn’t expecting or wanting the tablet at all, but if I ever get around to reading again, I think this gadget might be one of the loves of my life. I got some nice black boots, an ice cream maker, and cool sweaters from parents. I got to watch the looks of pleasure on my children’s faces as they unwrapped things from others and as others unwrapped things from them.
What was the best gift I gave, I wonder? Well, I gave my husband a heated back wrap for his perpetually sore lower back, and I also gave him the first season of Game of Thrones (which was mutually beneficial!). And I had a really fun time this year playing Santa, filling my children and husband’s stockings, and setting up Jack’s karate gear and the high chair for Emily’s baby doll.
There were a few moments on Christmas Day when I thought I was going to take a nutty amongst the complete and total chaos, but I managed. I went into my room (which is always messy but was untouched by holiday madness) and curled up on the bed until I felt like I could tolerate a few more piles of fake baby paraphernalia and legos. In the end, I told myself that there will come a day when our children will be big, but will only want things in little parcels, so I should treasure this mess.
Actually, for the most part, I was able to be really mindful of my feelings during gatherings at home and at family, and was aware of those moments when I was tempted to slip back into old patterns, habits, or anxieties that no longer need to be. I was able to breathe and enjoy myself. I was even able to crack a couple jokes here and there– something I used to do all the time but almost never seem to do anymore aside from sarcasm.
I am off work until after the New Year, and it is really good for me to get a break from the social work sweat shop. I know my limits are really close when I start to fear everything and everyone and have dread thoughts every other moment. Since I’ve kind of been at that point over the past few weeks, it is a really good time for me to catch a break, spend time being goofy and permissive with my children and husband, and maybe catch a few moments just to be alone.
Maybe I’ll get a meditation session or two in… who knows!?
All in all, I’m feeling pretty fortunate, relaxed, and grateful. These feelings are such blessings. I’ve been sleeping well and eating cookies, cake, pie, and chex mix along with my healthy fair. I’ve been enjoying holiday specials with the children, red wine after the kids are in bed, and the lights on the tree all day every day.
Today I went to the mall and got a few things on sale. I bought two black dresses in a size smaller than I was wearing last year, and felt kind of awesome about that. Did I mention I’m into dresses lately? Yeah, I’ve felt like such a frump over the past six years since having kids, and I don’t know if it is those nutty hormones and impending menopause, but I’m determined to bring sexy back- holla! I also bought a couple pairs of shoes with a gift card and felt simply decadent.
So that’s basically my recap. I kind of want to tell you about how a
Christian right wing beloved relative called me radical on Facebook for defending animal rights after I posted about the movie Blackfish (have you seen it?? OMG go watch it on Netflix RIGHT NOW and tell me what you think!!! I plan to post on it at some point later if I can collect my thoughts.). I also kind of want to tell you how I almost offered to breast feed a crying newborn in Old Navy today who was clearly ravenous and being completely ignored by her adults. I also kind of want to wax poetic about the year in review and resolutions for 2014 (wait, what? I don’t make resolutions!) But for now, I will just say, it’s good to be back and I missed you.
What was the best gift you gave this year? How were your holidays?