“I Guess You Could Call It A Blighted Ovum”- The Story Of My Miscarriage

Standard

20130910-140828.jpg

This is the one “pregnant” thing I will do.  I thought.

I sat in my car in McDonald’s parking lot.   I reached into a greasy bag, pulled out fistfulls of fries, and stuffed them into my face.  I ate three cheese burgers and six chicken nuggets too.

I was pregnant and knew I was going to miscarry.  For the past two weeks I was viciously sick, but my nausea suddenly stopped and I was ravenous.  When I was pregnant with Jack, I used to sneak McDonald’s into my otherwise immaculate diet.  So, for the one and only time, I did it with this. . .

This what?  

It wasn’t a baby, or even an embryo.

At the eight week ultrasound that morning they stroked my stomach with the device, and even prodded me with the intra-vaginal “wand,” to search my uterus for a heartbeat.  All their poking and prowling around revealed only emptiness.

It was like looking into a deserted room.  There were signs that someone had been there, a yolk sack cast off like a stray sock, and something else they called “implantation tissue.”

But there was no flicker of light.  No one was home in that quaint, dark, little cabin inside of me.

This story takes place some years back, in between Jack and Emily.  It was a warm, autumn day.  I recall the morning glories were still using our sunflowers as a trellis.  I had posted a photo of one on Facebook and a friend commented that if I believed in fate, that flower was heralding the coming of a baby girl.  It was uncanny because no one knew I was pregnant besides my husband and best friend. 

My husband had stayed home to watch Jack, and I was by myself at the clinic.  The ultrasound tech fetched a doctor whom I’d never met.  She too took a peek and confirmed, “Yup, there’s nothing in there.”

Confused, exhausted, and sick to my stomach, I started to cry.  She gave me options of having the surgical process called a D and C, or getting a prescription of pills to insert in my vagina to start the miscarriage.  “You don’t want to wait too long with these things,” she said when I asked why I couldn’t just wait for it to “pass” naturally.

This brings us up to me sitting and gorging on grease in McDonald’s parking lot.  I was killing time waiting for that prescription to be filled, engaging in a ritual that felt almost sacred, which is maybe why I remember it so clearly these years later.

“I guess you could call it a blighted ovum,” the doctor had said, wrinkling up her nose, as though she was confused, but not really.  I had asked her why there was nothing in there, when every test said I was pregnant, my aching breasts said I was pregnant, and the all-day-morning sickness also confirmed a pregnancy.  “Something probably went wrong with the implantation?”  she offered quizzically.

According to Web MD, a blighted ovum “occurs when a fertilized egg implants in the uterus but doesn’t develop into an embryo.”  Blighted ovums are usually the result of chromosomal issues with the pregnancy.  It is cited as the leading cause of early miscarriage, therefore pretty common.  However, until my miscarriage, I never heard of one.

Statistically, as many as one in four pregnancies end in miscarriage.

So, I guess little Dr. Lady saw this type of thing all the time.  For me, it was a brand-spanking-new experience.

I didn’t hide how annoyed I was with that doctor.  We were in a room plastered with oversized ultrasound photos of beautiful, healthy babies.  “You guys should really put up some photos in here of empty uteruses for the rest of us,” I snapped.  She muttered something and bowed out of the room to write my prescription.

Recalling this conversation, I sipped on Diet Coke to wash down all that fat.  I’m not really pregnant, I thought.  Diet Coke is something I never would consume if I were really pregnant.

My emotions were mixed.  It might surprise you that primarily I was stressed to be missing work, and uncertain how long it would take to empty the scant contents of my womb.  The doctor said it would be “like a heavy period.”  I had opted for the pills because I didn’t want to fork over a thousand dollar deductible for surgery.

Was I sad?  Not really.

I was sick and tired and overwhelmed, but not sad.

In my mind, it was science.  Despite my irritation with that doctor’s lack of anything resembling bedside manner, I accepted her answer that something just went wrong with the implantation.  It wasn’t a baby in there.  It was a clump of cells that didn’t grow properly and never had a chance.  

I had been happy and prepared to love another little human.  I had stroked my stomach in the weeks since that positive pregnancy test, thought about baby names, and even fantasized it would be a girl, but my heart was not broken to discover that it was a blighted ovum. 

A few days later, after slipping those pills inside me, I hemorrhaged.  Little Dr. Lady’s likening my miscarriage to “a heavy period” turned out to be the understatement of the year when my bathroom walls became splashed in blood as though someone had smashed a jar of spaghetti sauce.  In the end, I had to cough up the deductible for emergency surgery to help me “complete the miscarriage.”

Then I was sad.  

I felt like a failure.  I couldn’t even miscarry properly.  

In angry shock, images of the phsyical complications of my miscarriage intruded my thoughts.   It was hard to forget the grapefruit-sized clots which poured out of me in line at the supermarket, blood dripping down my legs onto the checkered market floor.  My blood count had dropped and I was too listless to play with Jack for days.  I felt like my body betrayed me; everything I’d come to know and expect from my physical being was suspect.

Life goes on.  I went back to work, took care of my family, and ate a ton of spinach to boost my iron.  Eventually I recovered physically and emotionally.  I swore off having more babies, yet five months later fell pregnant with my Emily.  For that, I realize I was one of the lucky ones; my “miss” left me with no permanent damage and I was able to conceive once more.  For that, I am grateful and terribly humble. 

For a long time, I didn’t want anyone to know about my miscarriage.  I didn’t tell people at work why I was out for nearly a month, and I didn’t care what dramas they concocted.  Thinking I was in psychiatric hospital would be better than having them know I had a miscarriage.  Eventually I got over that, and over time, I have shared my story.

I share this with you, at the risk of giving TMI and grossing you out, because maybe it happened to you too.  I share this with you because so many of us have miscarriages and they are all different and they make us all feel differently.  I share this with you because you are not alone, no matter what you are thinking or feeling about your miscarriage.  I share this with you because your body is perfect and beautiful, and there is no shame in having a miscarriage.

Everyone handles miscarriage in a unique way.  I read a book called “Unspeakable Losses,” which helped me understand the personal and profound nature of this loss, whether because it is the loss of a baby, or because of the physical issues involved, like mine.  No one else in the world can know what a pregnancy means for a woman, because it is happening inside of HER.

I saved the morning glory photo.  In my mind it represents that pregnancy, as well as the strength and tenacity of my body. 

Having a private parking lot binge on fast food also validated that pregnancy.  And gave me closure.   

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/09/09/writing-challenge-backward/

(maybe not so much backwards as inside out?)

Advertisements

14 responses »

  1. After my 5th miscarriage my doctor told me that nobody knows why most of these things happen. Through it all he was so kind and never used clinical or harsh terms to try to play it down. I’m so sorry you had to deal with a doctor with no bedside manner. That makes me so mad. No matter what it was, it was mine. And I’m happy to say that all of my pregnancies didn’t end that way. Thank you for telling your story. Also thank you for the words “there is no shame in miscarriage.” I’ve had plenty of people try to give me their own uninformed theories on why I miscarried but that is another blog post on “rudeness.” Hugs.

    • Thank YOU for commenting and leaving such kind and thoughtful words. I am glad to hear that not all of your pregnancies ended that way, and glad that you could resonate wiht my post. Hugs right back at ya’!

  2. Sorry you had to go through this. It is very frequent but it doesn’t mean it is easy to live.
    I had 2 miscarriages before being pregnant with my daughter. The 1st during our honeymoon, we fell of our tandem bike and the only antiseptic of the island was not compatible with my thyroid condition so I lost the pregnancy. I often feel like the little soul couldn’t come to the world the 1st time but manage with my daughter. Because the 2nd time, it just didn’t feel right: i knew i was pregnant but as soon as I took the (positive) pregnancy test, I knew something was off. Of course I miscarried while away from home, with no OB available, during a bleak week of november including a bank holiday… I had the ultrasound with a totally insensitive lady which told me to drink, then that my bladder was too full (!)… I acknowledged this loss by taking a day off crying on my friends’ couch and petting their cat… It was not as heartbreaking as the 1st time, but I took a very long time before allowing me to be happy with my 3rd pregnancy..

  3. Pingback: Weekly Writing Challenge: Backward | Chronicles of an Anglo Swiss

  4. Pingback: Peas, Popcorn, Punch– the Pieces of My Heart | momaste

  5. I had a second blighted ovum in 2013march.all i can say is.devastating.I fell pregnant again in july and.now.i am chasing around an active 7month old baby boy!

  6. You have no idea how much you have helped me feel like I’m not alone. You are right it wasn’t the exact same way but it was still the same no less. I have felt so alone and I have people here for me but they don’t get it. Not completely. And it’s no offense to them, it’s just not the same. So thank you. I dont feel so alone. Thank you…

    • Ohhhhhh. Thank you so much for your comment. I’m so glad my post helped. You have no idea how much YOUR words mean to ME. it’s always somewhat of a risk to post something so raw and personal, but I do in hopes that others will read and not feel so alone. I’m sorry for your loss and for the sense of isolation you’re going through. It’ll get better bit by bit, this much I can promise. It’s so important to not feel alone. I’m glad I could be with you in this way. Love and light to you. Xoxo.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s