I read somewhere once upon a time that procrastination and being late for stuff is a symptom of narcissism. I honestly do not believe that this is true for me. Life is just so difficult for me to juggle sometimes, that important things get put on the back burner and forgotten.
That said, I’m sorry if I missed your birthday on Facebook. I am also sorry if you were depending on me to bring you a casserole after you had a baby. Admittedly, I can be kind of a crappy friend and family member when I get overwhelmed and stick my head in the sand like the proverbial ostrich.
In my past, before marriage and motherhood, I used to be incredibly efficient and organized. You could count on me to be early for everything, and to have a task done before you even asked. To-Do lists were my favorite, but sometimes I would have to actually add tasks to them because everything had already been checked off and I thirsted for a purpose!
If I actually had time now to sit down and MAKE a To-Do list it would be longer than my arm. I still keep a check list at work, because I have to; my memory just doesn’t hold stuff the way it used to (sleep debt) and if I don’t have a running list I often find myself walking seven paces down the hallway and forgetting my purpose.
I am totally organized with writing out checks and paying my bills. Getting them into the mailbox? Not so much.
There are some people out there (you know who you are) who manage to work, keep their kids clean, make wholesome meals, and still decorate their homes from top to bottom for each and every holiday. I am really envious of these people, but I just can’t compete. In reality, life is not any harder for me than for these other, energized people. It is just part of my personality and a function of anxiety that I put things off, only to forget them.
So, maybe someday I will send the Father’s Day card that has been sitting blank on my desk for the past three months. Until then, I’m going to go do the dishes and take my kids out to ride their bikes, and try not to beat myself up for being such a crappy excuse for a human.
I’ll worker harder on this whole mindfulness gig. I promise. Just not today, okay?