Who the Hell am I?


If I wrote half of the things I thought about my kid yesterday, you wouldn’t like me anymore.

You might wonder who the hell is this crazy lady, and where did the mindful author of I Have It All go?

Yesterday, moments after I wrote and posted about love mantras, my day took a dark turn.

I don’t mean to bitch about the heat, really I don’t.  But it has been making monsters out of me and my entire family.  Without air conditioning in the main parts of the house, it is really freaking hard to even move around in my 95 degree oven  house.  The sun and heat are so strong that I am nervous to even take the kids outside to play in the sprinkler or baby pool for fear of them getting overheated running around.

Also, I have an infection in my eye and had an allergic reaction to the medication I was given and I woke with a totally swollen, red, weeping eye that was crusted shut and still wouldn’t open all the way even after cold and warm compresses.

Not that any of this excuses my crappiness.  I’m just saying.

So, I wrote that glowing and exuberant post and then Jack started to escalate with his behavior.  Stupid stuff that just spiraled out of control to the point where he was kicking, screaming, and throwing things.  We put him into his air conditioned room to cool off and he continued to scream and throw things at the door.

Logically I know this is just a tantrum and it will end.  Rationally I know that he is just pissy from the heat and this is his way of showing us.  Cognitively I understand all of his bluster will eventually peter out and he will be back to his good old self.

But emotionally?

Emotionally the banging on his door makes my heart race and I want to cry.  The noise and aggression scare the shit out of me.  I feel like a total failure as a mom.  I feel like my kid hates me and does not respect me or any of my entirely reasonable demands.

My initial response is anger, frustration, and fear.  Then I kind of go numb.  It is like I dissociate and the happy, warm, loving mama gets locked up while irritable, chilly mama takes over.

Chilly mama hates her life.  She had a tendency to bitch non-stop about how small the apartment is, and how it is dubious we will ever get anywhere in life.  She goes on and on about the mess, the surplus of toys, and how she is going to throw everything away and cancel Christmas.  She snaps at everyone, even the baby.  She hates her car and resents the fact that she is the only person who knows how to walk a can to the recycle bin, or wipe up the pee around the toilet.

Sometimes she even wishes that she never got married or had kids. . .

Chilly mama is a huge, effin bee.

Before you go calling your publisher thinking you have a book deal telling my story as the next Sybil, put down the phone.  I do not have multiple personalities.

I’m a mom who is beyond stressed and so scared that she is not good enough, but I’m not psychotic.

Days like yesterday, I don’t feel any of the bounty and empathy that allow me to write posts about having everything I could ever dream of in life.

We had to go to my mom’s.  It was her birthday.  I was so caught up in my stress I could barely muster a smile.  When she took me aside to ask what was wrong, I told her that every ounce of my psychic space was taken up with Jack’s behavior and that I almost wished he had never been born.

Who the hell am I?  That is just such assholic, awful behavior towards everyone!  What kind of a mom would ever say such a thing about their child?

Am I a fraud?  I don’t know.

I hope not.  I mean, when I write those sally sunshine posts, I really feel and mean them.

But it is so easy for the balance to get tipped to the hopeless.  And here I am blogging about what a crappy mom, wife, and person I am really deep down, so that should count for something, right?

Warm mama came back a little while after dinner because, believe it or not she remembered the love mantras about which she was spouting off earlier.

I put some drops in my demonic-looking eye and went to bed in my air conditioned room pretty early.  Getting some sleep helped a bit, and I am feeling myself today.

This confession is written, I fear, at the risk of creating a mass exodus of my blog followers.  But I want to be real, and I think being mindful of my neurosis and foibles is the first step towards successful integration of both warm and chilly mamas.

I’m going to sit with it for a while.

If you are still around tomorrow, I will let you know what I come up with.


21 responses »

  1. This is realness. You are not alone in the Jekell and Hydeness of motherhood, I could’ve written this post myself! It helps for me to see motherhood as a time not just for me to protect and nurture my little but also if huge growth and learning for me. I don’t think there will ever be a bigger learning experience in my life as becoming a mother. Those moments of high anxiety is like the night before a huge test, we stress and stress but eventually the test is over and we get to relax and breathe until the next big test. Hang in there momma 😉 I’m sure you’ll pass with flying colors.

    • Thank you so much for your warmth and compassion. Motherhood is indeed a test! And a feat of strength! Thank you so much for your vote of confidence in my ability to “pass the test.” That is very kind of you! xo!

  2. Of course you are a real. live woman! And a wonderful mom. None of your feelings make it impossible to be the Zen, open hearted mama you are. I hope your eye gets better and the weather breaks (it was better here today). As long as you kept Jack safe through all that, that’s all anyone could ask.

  3. You’re just human! Motherhood is the most beautiful thing in life but the hardest too! We have scorching heat in Europe as well. The temperature never went below 75°F last night and we already have 95°F, and of course no A/C. I just washed my hair without need in order to have my head fresh! I don’t know if it will help you to feel better but I read your post around 8 pm (european time) last night, trying to put to sleep a teething baby who has difficulties with the heat as well… I was hopping to put her to bed early in order to have an evening for myself for once (well we are going on vacation next week so it would have been packing, laundry and ironing anyway ;-). Instead she gave me bites and subsequent nipple traumas, yelled to be in her father’s arms when she was in mine, yelled to be in mine when she was in his… So we read stories (“Mommy is here whatever happens” included) and played again. I almost fall asleep on the floor while she was playing… Eventually she accepted to sleep around 10 pm, not without more cries and tears… And yes for a moment, i longed my old life, leaving at 3’000 feet (so even during a heatwave you can sleep at night) and watching realityTV on my coach with my cat… And realized how poor this life was without her and her dad! (but I still long the altitude though!) You’re not alone in this! And it is very brave to admit it: motherhood is not always butterflies and flying ponies!

    • Gosh, thank you so much for such a thoughtful and heartfelt comment. It is nice to know that I am not alone. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to really be single and all that again. I can’t imagine life without my family. But it is definitely not all rainbows and unicorns either! Great to hear from you, and I hope you have a wonderful vacation… are you going someplace nice? I don’t think we will be going away at all this year, so I would like to live vicariously through you!

      • Thanks to you! Your posts are really insightful for me, even if i do not always comment… We are going to Arcachon, south of Bordeaux, Atlantic Coast of France and I’ve never been there so it will be an adventure. For 3 weeks (no vacation taken for 2 years, anyway I’ve got 2 years worth vacation to take), and with an access to a pool, where I think I’ll spend at least 4 hours per day! We just have to survive the travel, 800 km in packed highways (and if you’ve never been in a service area in France, especially in summer, you do not know the exact meaning of the word “disgusting”) but we’ll take off early and try to make the best out of it! Enjoy your summer as well!

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  5. It’s always reassuring to see other moms going thru the same roller coaster of emotions. I’ve been there (quite often recently). Emotions calm down, hormones return to normal, and stressors eventually go away. Hope your eye is better!

    • Thank you so much for your kind comment. It is always amazing to me how other women can relate, even when I feel like a freak of nature! I so thought I was going to get unfollowed by so many of my readers after this post! And yes, I am feeling much better.

  6. Hi. I’m just a random stranger who stumbled across your blog after it was highlighted on WordPress.

    I just wanted to say THANK YOU for posting the truth.

    I’ve never had children I’ve no idea what its like (hell I sometimes forget to feed the fish). But I’ve found so many blogs that just seem to be too good to be true. The ones where darling two year old daughter said her prayers and is now singing in perfect tune all 163 hyms she has memorised to the ladies at the nursing home to sooth their suffering while wonderful son now running his own business despite the fact that he’s only six and has already paid off his mummys mortgage and hopes to build a new church for the people in Africa… (you get the drift)…

    The ones that make you look back at your childhood and realise that you must have been the devil child because you can remember your mother swearing at you after you threw your plate of vegetables on the floor, and would cry when you called your grandma to come and pick you up because you didn’t want to live here any more.

    But you. Yes you tell the world of the wonderful things, the triumphs, the glory moments. But more importantly you tell the world its okay to want to lock the bathroom door and hide and that sometimes no matter what you try the child is just going to scream. You make it real. That we don’t have to worry that if we are not perfect we are going to fail before we have even given the child a name.

    And that’s really cool.


    • Oh my, you are so welcome! I certainly try to keep it real. Someone told me I have a “warts and all” approach to writing. Part of my reason for blogging is that it helps to keep me sane, i.e., it is therapeutic, and therapy only works if you are honest, right? So, I am really grateful for your thoughtful and compassionate comment. And I thank you for seeing the dimensions in my writing and not just my inner crazy! Your comment really made my day. Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to write to me. I hope to see you here again!

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