Accepting Disgust and Disappointment

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Hallmark doesn’t make a Valentine card that says, “You disgust and disappoint me.”  I know because I looked. 

It seems like this is all I want to say to people lately, probably because it is what I am saying to myself.  Thankfully, I have not acted on this urge; I have not hurt anyone’s feelings with this awful sentiment.  Well, except for myself. 

I came close when I ventured out to Williams Sonoma with the baby in the Artic temps, only to find that they were closed for inventory.  A salesperson came to the door and asked if I could come back tomorrow.  No, I replied, this was the ONE day I had for running this errand to buy a gift.  She offered me a coupon for 10% off my next purchase.  I turned away, choosing to be rude, and say “whatever” as I skulked off.  This interaction immediately made me feel like crap.  Disgusted.  Disappointed.  In myself. 

In the past week, I wrote and abandoned three posts. 

I don’t have much to say that would improve the sound of silence. 

Truth is, I have been stressed and exhausted and zapped of creative impetus.  Although I miss writing and posting, I just can’t bring myself to blog. . . 

In the mean time, it seems my task to embrace the crappiness, accept that some weeks are just not as bright, fuzzy, creative, or funny as others. 

Sometimes during down time at work, I google up articles on mindfulness or Buddhism, try to learn a nugget or two.  As much as I love the idea of living a more Buddhist life, I have a hard time really grasping what it is all about.  Today, this came up in a search I ran, “There is a fundamental illusion behind all reality. Things are not as we perceive them to be. . .   all things arise out of a common Great Void and return to it in an endless cycle. This void is not dead and cold like a nihilistic Black hole but is vibrant and alive,”  (from www.eastern-philosophy-and-meditation.com). 

I’ve been musing on this quote, thinking about how things I consider to be problems arise from this place, and then go back there to become some other sort of energy.  Financial strain.  The war in Syria.  My son’s behavioral problems at bedtime.  A blemish on my skin.  Arguments about gun-control.  Sleep deprived irritability. 

And then there are the things that are precious but so fleeting, like my children bleating their joy at my arrival home after work. 

It comforts me to think of this vibrant void, to imagine it swirling with color and light, like a laundromat dryer full of bright clothes.  I’m not sure if this is what that quote was going for, but I like it. 

I’ll post again about my passions for motherhood, nursing, social work, or music when I feel a little less disgusted and disappointed.  Until then, I will try to embrace these emotions and then send them back into the void.  Maybe they will come back as something else.

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19 responses »

  1. I can relate. I used to blog only when I had pretty, happy things to share. Now, I’ve completely changed that. I switched the name of my blog, and started blogging multiple times a week no matter what. It is liberating. I think it’s great that you blogged even in a crappy mood. That’s what I’ve decided my whole blog is going to be about now (how we all fake perfection a little) which is why I chose the name I did for it. I blogged for 5 years about all the happy things. Now it’s time to get REAL. Anyway, thanks for sharing. You aren’t the only one who feels like this.

    • Thank you for your thoughtfull comment and for sharing. It is great to hear from you! I really like your take on things, and will have to meander over and check out your blog. I think sometimes as a mom and social worker, I try to shove all of my perceived “negative” feelings down and always put my best foot forward and then I get to a place where it is just exhausting and overwhelming. Maybe being more mindfull of those days/weeks/moments when things are just crappy will help me to stay more level. Who knows. I am pleasantly surprised, however, at how supportive and friendly the blog world has been. What a world! Thanks again for stopping by, and feel free to come again!

  2. *Hugs* to you, hon. I’m sorry you’re in a funk right now. Sometimes I feel in perfect harmony with my life and those around me. Other times I feel completely out of whack! When I get the feeling that I am lost somehow and don’t know which way to look to find my life again!! And still other times I am purely HORMONAL! lol

    • Thanks for the support, Val! It is so validating to hear from other moms who go through it too. Since writing that post, I am already feeling better. I think the act of just accepting those feelings, even embracing them, was a big help. Yay blogging! Have a great week!

  3. bloggers’ block? Have definitely had one of the moments more than once myself. When I don’t feel like writing because everything I write sounds miserable and boring and depressing. Even to me.
    That even writing a blog post seems like a chore rather than a pleasure. What helps me is just doing an entry with photos and then I don’t have to actually write anything.
    However, I really like the reply that fakingpictureperfect has written. It is easy to feel like that you have to present a shiny, happy, sanitised version of your life. It doesn’t have to be like that.
    You’ll get your swing back..

    • If I could take pictures like you do, i would probably do posts with just pictures too! It does amaze and impress me that moms from around the world can relate and show support to other moms going through similar situations. Very reassuring and validating indeed! And it was actually pretty cleansing to just write that post– I’m already feeling better! Cheerio Londonmum!

  4. I understand how you feel! However, as a Life Coach, I must tell you to be gentle with yourself. Feel the feeling, but be nice with you. You are the ONLY you you got! I am going to start following your blog!

  5. This is a great post (though I’m sorry you’re feeling this way). In the past week or two several people have reminded me just to sit with difficult feelings and let them be. I’m trying. Pema Chodron’s When Things Fall Apart has been helping, too; you might check it out.

    And sometimes, dare I say, you just have to be a big old grumpy mess–and then forgive yourself. The Williams-Sonoma interaction made me think about how many times I’ve flipped someone the bird driving or been a real b(*ch and later felt like crap about it. Now I don’t do it as often. Live and learn?

    • Thank you so much for stopping by and taking a moment to comment. i have been meaning to check out some Pema Chodron, so I will have to put that on my list of things to read when I get enough sleep to have the attention span of something more than an eggplant– haha! Thanks again. I’ve also been enjoying your posts/process. It is amazing to me the supportive community that is on here. Hugs from New England to you!

      • I love that I have a New England reader (this California persona is just that: I’m from Boston originally, and still identify myself as a “New Englander.” Hope you’re dug out from the storm and hanging in there.

      • Oooh, you are from Boston. I am in Rhode Island. We got more snow over the past weekend and it is frigid cold here. . . Boston got hit the hardest in the Blizzard last week, but due to global warming, we already are seeing patches of grass under the mounds of snow. Weird.

      • Weird is one word for it. 50,000 showed up to march against the Keystone pipeline yesterday. Yeah!

  6. This is a wonderfully honest blog, and please do not ever feel you must always be cheerful. That’s not realistic. Besides, it’s easy to get into a funk these days with so much awful stuff going on! Wishing you well, hoping you feel better soon, Tasha

    • Hi Tasha. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to comment. . . I am constantly having to retool my expectations of myself and others so that they are more “realistic”. This post was a good reminder of that for me, and garnered some very supportive comments. Thanks again!

  7. It has taken me a long time to learn that feeling empty or disgust is a perfect expression of your Buddha nature. It is what you feel, and it is here, and it will change – for better or worse in terms of the relative world. But it is your Buddha nature and the Buddha bowing down before you.

    I wish you well on your path and look forward to reading when you find your writing…

    • It is nice to think that perhaps I have a Buddha nature. . . thanks for your comment, and for stopping by here at Momasteblog. Things do change, that is for sure, minute to minute, second to second. Writing this post was actually really cleansing for me. I’ll be back with a new post soon!

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